By Heather M. White
Warning label: this advice is only intended for protection again zombies. It will NOT work against werewolves, vampires, demons, or any other supernatural creature. Results may vary.
Have you ever thought about what you would do if zombies ever came?
Picture this: You’re standing in your kitchen, looking through your fridge for the hundredth time. You’re not really hungry, mostly bored, and wanting a snack. (Miraculously food cures boredism). And suddenly, you hear this low grunt from outside. You wonder for a moment, but then just shrug your shoulders. No, you were mistaken. You turn back around to stare at the left over piece of birthday cake… Then suddenly, BAM! Your front door breaks down and in walks a zombie… Conveniently, it wants a snack too… Only it wants to eat YOU as a snack!
“What now?” you ask.
Well, I’m glad you asked! The zombie eats you! Mwahaha… OK, just kidding! Maybe they WOULD eat you – but I’m going to show you how to defend yourself against zombies! *ahem* (clears throat). You’re welcome!
“Oh, thanks,” you FINALLY mumble.
Better… So the zombie has you backed in against the fridge. You’re looking for a weapon. The only thing you can think of: CAKE! So you take the last piece of cake and shove it into the zombie’s eyes. Good thing zombies are stupid, because the only thing you did was temporarily blind it. You think hard… A knife! Cause you’re in the kitchen. So you grab one and start to cut off the zombies head… Suddenly, you’re wishing you would have spent more time at the gym! This is harder than it looks!
Finally, the head is off and bleeding all over your mom’s kitchen… No, DON’T clean it up. You have to GET OUT OF THERE before any more zombies come!
“What should I pack?” you ask running franticly through the house.
PACK!? HA, haven’t you seen a zombie movies? You break into dead people’s houses for clothes, soap, etc! You grab ONLY weapons: Baseball bat, gun, sword, a shovel… Anything you can find in 60 seconds or less, and you LEAVE TOWN!
“What about my boyfriend?” you ask with tears running down your face.
Boyfriend? Forget about him – haven’t you read enough zombie books to know you get a new hot guy? 😉
Tips: Hairspray and a cigarette lighter make a great flame thrower… Use the heel of your stilettos to put a hole through their brain! (Now, now, it is NOT the time to be worried about fashion). Stay out of cities and large towns. Only use a gun IF necessary, the noise will just bring more zombies. And as always, AIM FOR THE HEAD!
Thanks to the awesome Heather M. White (author of When Destiny Knocks) for tips on zombie survival!