Saturday, August 25, 2012

The Last Zombie Survival Guide You’ll Ever Need

Zombies are an unavoidable facet of popular culture, and have even captured the attention of the fine people at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The CDC recently published an entertaining, and disturbingly informative, blog on their website entitled “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse.” The entry was filled with practical tips to help anyone survive an onslaught of the walking dead, but there’s more to making it through to the new utopian society than rationing food and finding fresh water. Here are a few more tips, tricks and highly useful suggestions that will help ensure you and your family don’t become glorified zombie kibble:

Forget the Press…Believe in Social Media

CNN and your local news will only be useful to alert you that everyone is basically destined to become a zombie’s next snack. If you want useful information, such as zombie sightings and possible safe houses, rely on your Facebook friends and Twitter followers instead. It’s also your duty to update your status accordingly, and let everyone know with your last dying breath you’ve been transformed into a brain-hungry member of the undead horde. Keep in mind that eventually, all forms of mass communication will be rendered useless. Until then, make sure to abandon your kid’s college fund in favor of keeping your cable and internet bill paid.

The Joys of Breaking and Entering

Before the first inkling of a zombie apocalypse, it’s a wise idea to take a leisurely Sunday drive around your town to determine which houses to pilfer once any threat of legal action or reprimand is extinguished. When it comes to your first safe house, choose a building that’s constructed from brick and features minimal windows. It should also feature at least three stories and a window to act as a makeshift crow’s nest. Your only potential, minor impediment could be the people that legally own the property, but it’s at your discretion to deal with this issue.

Conquer Your Acrophobia

George Romero’s epic second installment in his zombie franchise features a group of survivors seeking refuge inside a shopping mall. At one point, the survivors use the rooftop as a point of entrance and exit. You’ll learn quickly that during the zombie invasion, your best option is to go up rather than down. When all else fails, don’t hesitate to find a rooftop somewhere and stand your ground.

Learn New and Interesting Ways to Start Fires

Your chainsaw is out of gas, the ammo for your sawed off shotgun has long since been exhausted and there isn’t a machete or axe in sight. There is still one highly effective weapon to remember, and it’s so simple to harness that even a caveman couldn’t screw it up. That weapon is of course fire, and in a pinch lighting a group of ravenous undead killing machines on fire is a great way to not only escape with your life, but heat up that last bit of canned ham you’ve been saving for a special occasion.

Everything is a Potential Weapon

Now you’re faced with the same scenario as mentioned above, but there isn’t a match or stray jug of gasoline in sight. Your next option is to turn anything within your reach into a weapon. A flagpole featuring the image of a blooming sunflower can easily be used to jam into an approaching zombie’s orbital cavity. Even a large rock thrown at a zombie’s head is often enough to provide you with a window of opportunity to escape. There is, of course, the perennial favorite that no self-respecting zombie survivalist would leave home without: a rotting piece of wood featuring a rusty nail. This is a weapon with multiple applications, and won’t cost you a small fortune to upkeep.

Get Your Master’s in Emergency Management?

Society as you know it has collapsed, and your ragtag group of survivors is looking to you as a beacon of hope. Believe it or not, this is where your Emergency Management master’s degree will come in particularly handy. Use the skills obtained during your studies to create a miniature hierarchy, complete with you at the helm. As the number of zombies fades, and nations begin to rebuild, they’ll need educated people to help return society to its former glory. This is where your MPA degree will definitely begin to pay off.
Don’t wait for the first tell-tale signs of the impending zombie apocalypse. Begin preparing today by hoarding food, stock piling bottled water and cleaning your shotgun in preparation for this inevitable occurrence. Or you could just watch a few episodes of “The Walking Dead” instead.

Jillian Sanchez is an emergency services manager and zombie culture aficionado hoping to put her education and knowledge to practical use when society falls to the rotting hands of the undead.  She loves horror movies and snow cones and spends her free time learning to put a razor sharp edge on her machete using only a cinderblock and stack of old newspapers. Photo courtesy of darengphoto from 123rf.com

6 comments:

  1. Well hopefully I won't need this knowledge any time in the near future, but it still is good to have. I wouldn't have though a rooftop was a good idea, but it makes sense.

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  2. I really don't think this will ever happen and don't see why everyone thinks it will. But I could be wrong so I had to read this anyways!

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  3. I think the idea of a zombie apocalypse is pretty slim, but I do think that if you are ready for something as horrible as the zombie apocalypse then you will be ready for pretty much anything.

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  4. This is super cool! I like how everything can be a weapon. Reminds me of the walking dead and rising dead game on the xbox. There is a trailer for the new World War Z movie. I have it on my Blog if you wanna check that out. I read the book too and it was decent and made me think about where and what I would do in case it ever happened.

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