Mikaelh V Taylor
Last year Leicester City council admitted that they had no plans to prepare for a zombie attack, which many people thought was quite funny. Then the American Centre for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released their own zombie pandemic awareness pack, showing that us Brits are very unprepared for a zombie apocalypse, which is more than a little worrying. Luckily, you don’t need any government-created contingency plans. Just follow these tips and you won’t get eaten.
Choosing the right weapon
Anyone in your survival party who thinks that using a katana, machete or sword to dispatch of zombies is a good idea, get rid of them before they do everyone harm. If the zombie outbreak has happened because of a virus or parasite, then chances are it’s going to be a blood-borne disease. If you’ve got a wannabe Bruce Lee on your team, slicing and dicing like there’s no tomorrow, how much blood do you think is going to be flying around? It’s only a matter of time before someone gets bled on and before you know it your survival party is trying to chew your face.
Always opt for blunt force trauma when getting rid of zombies at close range. A cricket bat, sledgehammer, even a frying pan if that’s all you have. The functioning parts of a zombie brain (the basal ganglia ‘reptilian’ brain and the brain stem) are tucked away inside the rest of the brain tissue, so you’ll need a lot of force to destroy it.
Choose your hideout carefully
Zombie shelters need two things to work – defence and sustainability, so you’ll need access to clean water, at least three days’ worth of food and a decent level of fortification. Your best bet is to stay away from any large centres of population and go as far out into the rural areas as you can. Food will be scarcer, but so will the zombies. An abandoned farmhouse with attached land is an excellent spot to use - secluded, easier to defend and the land can be used for growing food, rearing livestock and creating defence barriers such as a moat or a perimeter fence.
At a push you can fortify your own home against a zombie attack, even if you’re in the city centre. Barricade all but one of your doors and windows, and make sure the remaining access points are closely guarded. An easy method to stay safe from the hungry undead is to destroy your stairs and reach the first floor using a ladder instead. Once the ladder is pulled up with you, no zombies can get at you.
Don’t fall for the common myths
Get your head in the right place and you’ll survive. Don’t listen to those common zombie tropes that the movies use. For starters, water doesn’t pose much of a barrier for zombies because they don’t breathe. Sure, zombies are more likely to get swept away by a current or simply wander around the bottom of a lake, but be under no false allusions that being on an island makes you completely safe. Zombies are relentless, and sooner or later they’ll find you.
Also, never think of going it alone. You aren’t Bear Grylls, you aren’t going to make it without help. People who try to be tough and fly solo end up being eaten at the first opportunity. If you’re in a safe location, a good survival group should be about ten strong, and should be people you know and trust (and who are useful). Don’t forget that people are unpredictable, and you might find that your biggest threat comes from within.
Jamie Gibbs is the resident blogger for home insurance comparison site Confused.com. His zombie plan involves going to the Winchester, having a nice cold pint and waiting for all of it to blow over.
3 hours ago