Before we continue, it’s worth pointing out that there are few things that any self-respecting survivalist should keep in their vehicle at all times. We’re talking about weapons (the deadlier, the better), food (stuff that won’t go bad anytime soon), fuel (lots of it), water (loads of it), maps, first-aid provisions, waterproofs, hiking boots… you get the picture. Make sure you’ve got these bases covered before you even begin to worry about the various logistical nuances of particular apocalyptic scenarios.
OK, now let’s take a look at 5 things that could put an end to life as we know it, and consider how some practical, and (reasonably) plausible DIY car hacks could give you the edge in an increasingly hostile environment…
ZombiesNone of us want to be confronted by a worldwide zombie invasion, but it would be foolish to dismiss the possibility that the massed zombie hordes will eventually make an appearance.
If this scenario does materialise, we can at least probably rely on our superior intelligence, driving ability and personal hygiene standards to improve our chances of survival.
If you want to zombie-proof your car, we suggest fitting a snow plough – perfect for mowing down large groups of zombies, or just clearing away their horribly mutilated corpses after your latest self-preserving killing spree.
Any other weapons that you can incorporate will definitely come in handy. In an ideal world, we’d recommend experimental military laser cannons, but if you can’t get your hands on anything like that, there are alternatives that you could probably rig up in a fairly basic workshop at home. We suggest taking some inspiration from Robot Wars, and rigging up an assortment of flamethrowers and hydraulically powered sharp objects to maximise your car’s zombie-repelling potential.
A New Ice AgeThe idea that we’re heading for a new Ice Age is hotly-contested within the climate science community, but it’s clear that in some parts of the world, at least, winters have been getting increasingly extreme in recent years. And that pattern looks set to continue as solar activity reaches a low point.
If you sense we’re heading for an extended big-freeze, then now’s the time to start modding your car. Once again, the snow plough is a must-have addition – this time for more conventional reasons (i.e. moving snow out of the way).
Next, think about fitting caterpillar tracks to your vehicle to improve your ability to navigate difficult terrain in a frozen landscape.
Finally, make your car as warm as you possibly can. That means as much insulation as you can manage, and maybe even a Jeremy Clarkson-inspired in-car stove.
A Global PandemicIdeally, in the event of a global pandemic, you want to be as far away from the rest of humanity as possible. That means getting to high ground, and fortifying yourself in case any marauders spot your alluringly-elevated hideout.
If you do end up needing to navigate the nearest city to stock up on supplies, however, there are a few basic car mods that might well improve your chances of evading the deadly outbreak.
Rather than forcing yourself to wear an uncomfortable respirator all the time, why not seal your doors and windows, add an air-tight escape hatch instead, and fit filters to your air-con system to keep out those malevolent microbes.
Last but not least, don’t forget to stock up on sanitizer!
An Alien InvasionIn the event of an alien invasion, fighting back probably isn’t the way to go. Their weapons technology would probably reduce even Chuck Norris to tears, and even if it turns out they’re just looking for some orifices to probe, it makes sense not to draw attention to yourself.
Equipping your car with a telescope will help you spot the impending invasion early, improving your chances of escaping to somewhere safe before the alien army arrives.
If you don’t have a chance to avoid contact with the interplanetary intruders, then there’s another strategy that might just work. It’s quite possible that, if aliens do come to Earth, they’re actually just here to stop us destroying our planet and ourselves. Whilst they’re busy dismantling the military-industrial infrastructure, plaster your car with ban-the-bomb stickers and make it obvious that you’re passionate about peace and dedicated to keeping the planet green. That may just be enough to convince them you’re worth sparing!
The Breakdown of Law & OrderIt’s quite possible that civilisation could collapse without a traditionally apocalyptic scenario unfolding. Even if we manage to avoid alien invasions, climate chaos and killer viruses, there’s a good chance that our perennially precarious economic system could simply fall apart, and an unequal world ruled by an autocratic elite could give away to all-out anarchy; an every-man-for-himself mobocracy where ruthlessness and brutality rule.
The key thing to think about in this scenario is defending yourself against the prowling gangs of nihilistic outlaws. Replacing your windows with bullet-proof glass would be a good start, but attack is very much the best form of defence in this situation. In terms of practicality and versatility, the best option is probably a machine gun turret. Just remember not to take this on the roads until the police have disappeared!
About the author: Mickey Hague blogs for Contract Hire a Car – the UK’s business car leasing specialists. When he’s not contemplating the end of the world, Mickey enjoys paintballing, foreign cinema and rib-eye steak.