A Zombie Hunter’s Manual – Don’t Leave Your Hide-Out Without It

Most people have, at some point in their life, fantasized about what it would be like to experience a zombie outbreak. These days, it doesn’t really seem all that far-fetched. There are already plenty of mindless people out there. Once they start craving brains, you need to be prepared. Strap on your gear, and let’s get going.

Early Outbreak
You should already have a list of friends who have planned for this their entire lives. If you don’t, you don’t know enough people. These people are awesome to have in your support group; they already have a plan in place.

Know your zombies. There are two kinds: Sluggish, air-headed freaks who drag their feet and walk into walls and are easy to outrun—and then there are the fast and raging ones that still have enough brain function going on to figure out a ladder or a door knob. Pray for the slow ones.

If you’re pre-stocked for the occasion, that’s awesome. If not, time is running out. Find weapons fast – pocket knives, kitchen knives, machetes, hunting bows, guns, etc. Anything that can penetrate a skull is needed. Throw the knitting needles in the bag!

Grab some first aid supplies; non-perishable foods; anything handy, like duct tape, rope, flashlight, batteries, or camping gear; a reliable, comfy pair of shoes; and get out of dodge.

While it might be a good idea to build your team, make certain any survivors you come across haven’t been bitten before letting them into your group. DTA is your new motto—don’t trust anybody!

On the Run
Your car can outrun even the fastest zombie. Just don’t stop for pedestrians when zombies are around. Survival of the fittest!

You’re probably going to want to check on some loved ones. Don’t waste too much time. Getting somewhere safe is a priority.

When your time comes and a zombie has zeroed in on your brains, use a knife if possible. Decapitate, aim for the eye socket—do anything you can to save ammo.

Protect Your Ass-ets
Most places that are well stocked with everything you will need are more than likely already overrun with zombies; don’t fool yourself. You won’t want to stay in town. At the same time, you will need food. An off the beaten path convenience store or grocery store is perfect. Anything with supplies and few entrances will work.

Hopefully, by now, you will have teammates to help you prepare your hiding spot. Barricade the doors and windows. If there’s cement mix available, use it. Don’t be naive. Think Fort Knox.

Fill any containers with tap water on day one or two; the water may not be on for long. Even if there is a large supply of bottled water and you’re favorite brand of beef jerky, it won’t last forever. Conserve.

If and when someone on your team is bitten, don’t take any chances. Even if it’s little Sally from next door or your best friend Steve, they cannot be saved. This is no time to be nostalgic or compassionate. Finish them off before they have a chance to do it to you first.

Just because they wear t-shirts and jeans in zombie movies, doesn’t make it safe. Fashion some armor out of heavy leather or aluminum siding for when you have to go out for supplies. Better safe than sorry.

If the outbreak becomes an all-out war, chances are civilization as we know it will no longer exist. You won’t be able to rely on electricity and running water forever. They may only last a couple days. You also won’t be able to stay in your initial hiding spot forever. Supplies run out and defenses can be broken. As time goes on, you will become an experienced zombie hunter. You can’t rely on anybody coming to save you. You should operate as if you are on your own and will be for the long term. Plan, be proactive, always look over your shoulder, and never underestimate a good pair of running shoes.

Derek Greggs enjoys writing about hypothetical apocalyptic scenarios and credit reports.

2 thoughts on “A Zombie Hunter’s Manual – Don’t Leave Your Hide-Out Without It

  • July 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    Great post. I never thought about running shoes being important in a zombie apocalypse, but I think you're right. To add onto that, being in shape and able to run quickly are also important.


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: