The Survival Guide for the Hostile ZOMBIE Takeover

To put it simply… you got problems. Maybe your friends make fun of you for making sure all of your toiletries face Northeast at all times, or tapping the light switch three times before you enter a room. If you suffer from mild to severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you might feel mocked or alienated by those around you, or current society at large. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, however, the tables could easily be turned in your favor.

I Present to You… Zombie Trends

Someday, should you grow tired of hobo-spanging alley streets and splitting MD between groups of ten, you may develop an interest in reanimated flesh hungry corpses engulfing the earth because it isn’t as far fetched a plot as popular culture makes it seem and it wasn’t that long ago that a deranged man-monster mauled the face off a Miami homeless man and ate it, or 21-year-old Alexander Kinyua who dismembered and ate the brain and heart of his roommate. In Canada, police are still searching for an ex-porn star that allegedly killed a fellow with an ice pick, then raped and ate flesh from the corpse. Stories like these have created an avalanche of panic, but they skirt the real issue, which is the actuality of a zombie-like plague wiping out nearly every (tasty?) morsel of humanity we have left.
Although CDC spokesman David Daigle proclaims “[the] CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” there are still a number of theorized circumstances that some project could result in a zombie-like state. Evolving brain parasites, neurotoxic warfare, neurogenesis, and nanobot technology all have a very real potential to inhabit our thinkers and take us over a zombie apocalypse in the U.S.

Preparation Tips

OCD sufferers, this is your time to shine! In the event that flesh eaters take over, you won’t be trembling behind traffic bollards praying you can find something semi-edible before zombies gnaw out your brains. At the first hint of a zombie-like outbreak, you’ll be stocking your closets with soup cans facing North-Northeast and decontaminating already purified water. Don’t worry about being judged, just go bananas bargain hunting for supplies to organize- it’ll be a DIY dream come true.

How You’ll Fit In A New Society

During the initial zombie takeover, your place of residence will probably be bombarded with hoards of dirty people desperate for supplies. Luckily, your well-honed attention to detail and meticulousness gives you the ability to fill your lawn with booby traps that work on zombies and intruders. You can parlay the traps so that only valuable additions to your tribe can be let in. Furthermore, your undoubted self-loathing of germs and disease will also give you an advantage in the fight against the spread of the disease.
Obsessive types have all the ingredients to be the kings of their castles in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Even if your preparation is unintentional, you will be the master of supplies, and the demand will be huge. When the fringes of society settle in a little bit, you can be the treasurer and director of sanitation as well. It may be the end of the world as we know it, but it doesn’t have to be an entirely bad gig for you.

4 thoughts on “The Survival Guide for the Hostile ZOMBIE Takeover

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: